Looking back and forgiving.
We probably all have stories from our past that seem to emotionally haunt us.
My high school experience was mixed. While I was popular I was also thoroughly disliked. And while I was the captain of my basketball team and a straight A student, some years felt more like a clip from the epic Mean Girls where I was on the receiving end of the plastics’ lashings.
And while I don’t normally talk about these sorts of things on my blog, I felt that today, this was important to share.
I’ve looked back at the past 7 years and I’ve realized that I am in a better place now than I ever was before. This realization made me pause for a moment as I skimmed through the pictures of past classmates on Facebook.
You’re better now Lauryn than you ever were before.
The way I dress, the way I talk, the people I hang around with, my relationships with my family and everything else.
Better suited for me.
I also realized that part of my struggle had to do with trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.
While I didn’t verbally ask for my life to be a living hell during certain portions of young adulthood, I realized that my inability to let things go (people included) forced me into a state of over-work, trying to please others and fear.
I was afraid all the time but let me be clear that fear doesn’t always feel the same every time it appears. Fear for me was the voice in my head saying, “You’re getting fat Lauryn, ” or ”Why don’t they like me? If I could just get them to like me…”
They were not right for what they did. In their hearts I’m sure they know this. But my insistence in sticking around for the beating, tying in my self-worth with their views of who they thought I was and the script of paranoia that played in my head kept me in a state of remorse, confusion and despair.
The lesson here is living that script out and holding grudges only nurtures the flame that is meant to burn out.
At some point you should move on.
No more, “When I go back to my reunion I’ll show them!”
Show them what? That you came only to spite them?
If you have any interest in moving forward, ditch the garbage you’ve committed to dragging around for the next 30 years.
I often tell people that in business (especially negotiating) the person who isn’t willing to walk away from the deal if need be always loses. His inability to step away due to his emotional obsession means he has already lost; he forfeits all leverage.
It’s the same in life.
Thanks for sharing this, Lauryn. On the one hand, it seems it’s the passage of time that leads us to reinvent and simply move on. Then on the other, maybe you’re right that we simply allowed in too much, gave too much or in the wrong ways, and accepted things we didn’t have to. But however we arrive at our mid-20′s and beyond, we have arrived there, and some of us are lucky enough to be that much stronger. Whether or not they like you or you gained any weight (I’m guessing you did just fine), it looks you know your path and have good people around. Now we have the right kind of popularity, even if our free throw average has severely declined. Amen, and goodbye to high school.