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After sharing my personal journey with anxiety and how it led me to meditation, one reader—whom I hold very dear to my heart— was brave enough to ask the following question:
Have you ever wrote something that felt right at the time and then struggled with regret that maybe you shared too much or it didn’t come out right?
Every time I post anything that really gets me jazzed, I’ve wondered if I’m overstepping some imaginary boundary of what is and is not acceptable. The more creative, the more truthful and the more excited I am, the more I question what the fuck I’m doing.
And why is that?
Hanging out with our creative muse can kind of feel like hanging out with the infamous Cat in the Hat: tantalizing fun that teeters on the edge of “I might get in trouble for this”.
And yet, I continue to share.
The truth is that self-expression is my soul’s equivalent to oxygen. There is no room for, “Oh, I can move through the world silent, timid and small.”
I’ve tried that and I’m betting you have to. It’s painful; it’s constricting; it’s unhealthy.
Yet, how often do we willingly enlist ourselves in this precise scenario in exchange for perceived security?
“Yes, sir. Do chop my balls off, along with the rest of my dignity, in exchange for a decent sized apartment and the social pressure to climb the corporate ladder. I do hope that this engagement will provide me the chance to look myself in the face, 10 years from now, and wonder who this old man is standing before me.”
Repression is the equivalent of a “living death”. It’s as if I’m being asked to walk through the world with my heart chained and my mouth muffled.
And it’s not a life I can conciously agree to.
The mind—with all it’s beliefs around conformity—will terrorize the soft flame of truth that lives inside of you if you let it. Guard that flame, not with fear, but with space. Breathe into her. Offer up your sincere reverance.
Here are three steps you can take to help cultivate the ideas within you that want to be heard:
#1 Build presence so that you may discern your inner voice from the chaotic noise of the world, society and your memories. These often appear as thoughts, feelings and toxic naysayers in your life. There isn’t a moment too soon to create space between you and all of that. Meditation, Chi Quong, hanging out in nature and being surrounded by animals are regular practices that help me ground and strengthen my jedi discernment muscles. Everything becomes easier the better you get at this.
#2 Create space so that your voice may take root and grow. This means removing the clutter from your life, creating strong boundaries with the noise in your life (e.g. loud sounds, negative people, old belief systems, harsh chemicals, etc.) and regularly dedicate time to explore your creativity.
#3 And last but not least, ready yourself for the magic that will come from you singing her songs. When she calls, be ready to move.
What do you think? Do you think sharing too much is actually a problem or are we afraid to be vulnerable? Maybe it’s both.
I began a daily meditation and journaling practice in December of 2014 as a way to save myself from moderate — to at times crippling— anxiety, sadness and racing thoughts.
Meditation has allowed me to sit with the ugly, hairy emotions we prefer to excuse from the dinner table: jealousy, rage, self-hate and impulsiveness to name a few. It’s shone a light on the inner workings of much of our self-imposed madness to find the serenity that all these hippie books talk about.
You know the ones I’m talking about.
The author’s name is Shakti Sutra. She’s probably wearing anything but a bra and if the book were a scratch and sniff, the sniffing part would be on her armpit and yep, you guessed it, it would smell about as natural as “I do not believe in deodorant” gets. The design? At best a throwback from the 1980’s, but without that Buzzfeed, Urban Outfitter, “this is kind of cool” way.
While I joke about the aesthetic, the principles are relevant. The destination, if there is such a thing, is real.
I didn’t understand any of this for a long time. People would say things like, “We are love”. “Oh, shut the f*$% up,” I’d think, mostly because either they didn’t seem sincere or, in the rarer instance, they truly did emanate a warm, all accepting feeling that can best be described as love.
And they weren’t just mystical, unicorn-loving ‘hippies’. They were real people like you and I. It made me wonder what they knew that I didn’t.
There are many days when this all seems like West Coast bullshit.
I’m from New York. I shave my armpits and think deodorant is useful. Meditation sounded like a waste of time, self-love a placebo and the ability to not think 24/7? A joke, at best.
And yet, as I’ve come to realize, that just isn’t true.
People have told me my entire life to simply “let it go”. Whether or not they truly understood the mechanics behind such a directive, I now have a glimpse into one way to do so and it’s changed my life.
Over the past two months, I’ve begun to watch the storm as opposed to getting swept up in it. I am learning to witness more and react less.
Lively insights. Soulful dialogue. Peace. A glimpse of myself for the first time (!!). Spontaneous laughter. Patience. Compassion. The key to a world I felt shut out from.
Meditation won’t be for everyone and yet, it could be the ticket to a front-row view of who you truly are, a sight you’re just witnessing for the first time.
Don’t you want to meet her?
“Do not turn your power into inward-facing, self hate. It’s misplaced energy. It’s a fear of being seen and of coming into the world as yourself. It’s self-sabotage on a both a physical and spiritual level. When this happens, step out into the world more. Practice gratitude and allow your energy to expand. You’re trying to contain it. Hence your stomach aches. Let it grow naturally. Get out of your own way.”
“How,” I asked.
“Presence. Comfort with people’s disapproval. Surround yourself with people you love, your space keepers. Release expectations and the need for a specific outcome.”
Could it be that simple?
We spend most of the day mesmerized, taunted and eluded by the endless chatter in our minds. Most of us don’t realize this as we take the mind talk (our thoughts) for who we are.
Sometimes the internal conversaion is nice and other times it’s downright cruel.
The cruel days can be the hardest.
“You’re fat! You look old and old is bad. Why can’t those jeans fit you the way they fit your sister. She was always the prettier one anyways. Fatty, fat, fat!”
I think I spent most of my 28 years here on earth hating myself, which is interesting to note. The part that hated “me” is also the same part that loved “me”.
We laugh when we see dogs barking at their reflection in the mirror. Silly dog, we think. Can’t they see they are barking at their own reflection?
Humans are not so different, which is evident by the nature of this question.
Can’t we see our love/hate relationship with our own reflections? Reflections, by definition, are embodiments or represenations of something else; but, of what?
Unlike the pooch that may forget that the “sliding glass door dog” was ever there, our bodies and nervous systems remember the impact of the endless, and at times violent, tauntings of our mind. Over time, we take the thoughts in our heads as some sort of truth.
In Episode 2 of #AskJuanita, Juanita talks about self-love, taking care of yourself and the epic abs of one Janet Jackson. Yes, that bitch did have a 20 pack.
#AskJuanita’s Best Advice?
How can I feel better about myself?
First, identify who you are.
There’s a practice I once learned that entailed writing down all the things we are not.
Your job title. That devastating heartbreak. Your hairstyle. Your Youtube video that went viral. The man that loves you. The woman that doesn’t. Your neighborhood. The new dryer. Your father’s rage. The ever-painful relationship with your mom. Your resume.
You are not those things.
When you have exhausted your list, reflect on what remains, which shouldn’t be much. That is the direction of who you truly are.
Ever expansive silence. The humming of the stars. A presence than can only be known through your body. A sensation and knowing that the mind cannot possibly rationalize, for it goes beyond the capabilities of thought.
This is vastly different than believing you are the sum of your accomplishments or the people in your life.
You may very well have some extra pounds to spare or you may have weight to gain. Or, go figure, you might be just fine.
But how do you know?
Not to the endless chatter of your mind. Let that go. Learn to watch your thoughts and recognize them as as the renegade Wild West that they are. Don’t try to find solace there.
First you will feel, maybe for the first time in your life, and at first it may be uncomfortable. Learn to sit with that. It’s just something that needs to be released.
Over time you will witness and the nature of your question will change.
I’m curious to know. What are three things that would be on your list of things you are not? Share in the comment section below.